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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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