I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
