my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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