totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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