You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize