im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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