Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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