I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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