Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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