When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
