How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
