I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
