I hope mine doesn't look like that
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
