So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
