when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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