Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
