You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
