The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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