I wish I could teleport
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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