it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
