I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
