I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need to calm my uterus...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize