I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
