dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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