If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
