He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
