I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
