on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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