he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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