K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Randomize
