my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So squirting runs in the family.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
there is puke in my bra ... again
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
