I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
