so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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