One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
