my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
