Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
