i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
