just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
