Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
