Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm always down for nudity.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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