All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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