This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
