Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
