Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
