Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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