after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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