This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
