Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
