remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
