I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
