I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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