I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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