So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
