Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
