Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
