I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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